Monday, 2 January 2006

The rats were restless... now they're dead

I have uncovered what I believe to be one of the greatest marketing swindles of all time. Or a prime example of urban legend building. If you have a rat problem at home, and you don't want to deal with the rat in any crushing, maiming, disembowling-by-cat or eventual mercy-killing sort of way, you just want to outsource the problem as much as possible, what do you use? I guarantee you most South Africans will tell you to use Rattex. And if you ask "but why Rattex?" they'll tell you it's because Rattex gives rodents the thirst of a thousand Sahara's as it dries them out, and eventually they die of dehydration.

But wait!

That's not all!

Rattex dries the rat out, so that it doesn't stink, it just slowly disappears or decomposes, almost like Yoda.

That is a self-perpetuating, stinking lie. And anyone who differs with me can come and stick their nose in the hole the rat GNAWED through my floorboard and through which its ungodly, decomposing, cloying, odious, offensive, rotting smell wafts like an ode to death on the fucking wind.

Why do everyone say to me when I tell the story of this thing, this nauseating vapour of fatality: "but, Rattex is supposed to dry them out, so they don't stink."? Where and how did Adcock Ingram manage to get that message across in such a compelling way, that we all believe in it? It stinks, the dead rat stinks. It's dead, alright, but it stinks.

Anyway, all of this made me Google "Rattex" to see what I can learn about this wonder product. Nothing about the smell, of course. What you will learn, though, is fascinating in a late-night "wish I had some Rattex" sort of way and will give you some real good dinner party ice-breakers. I can think of the following:

"Do you know that Rattex doesn't kill the big Norwegian buggers? The ones that climb up toilet pipes?"
Link 1
Link 2

"So what do you think of that Dragonball Z dude, Rattex. He's probably got a dry sense of humour harharhar."
Link 3

"Ja'ag, I skiem there was maybe a bit of Rattex in that drugs the people gave me. Luckily I had some Kanokione at home as my Kyrovite was al klaar."
Link 4
Link 5

"When it comes to poisons, which do you prefer, flocoumafen or difethialone?"
Link 6

"Ooh, when I was in the States again this year, I was so lucky to see the Bluebards in action. Their RATTEX guys' sound and lighting work is magnificent!"
Link 7

"When next in Moscow, please get me some Alpine PRO from Rattex please."
Link 8

"The damn thing ate my Soba noodle flavour packets! But I heard Rattex was the best, so I'm flying them in from Germany."
Link 9

Long live the rats. They stink less then.